So much for keeping this an art-related only journal ey.

*Turned into a rather long post, nothing exciting, more of a vent so don't waste your time if you're looking for anything exciting/interesting/amusing*

Well, I'm turning 21 in 25 days, and when I put it like that, it seems way too soon. It's not 2 years since that tight little group of college friends who meant the world to eachother and promised never to unravel, fell appart. 2 years since the World threatened to crubmle, but repaired itself and we moved-on.

Just lately I've faced some tests and learnt some lessons I guess.

I've been thrown back into social situations with the very people I moved away from.
I've been offered a relapse back into my old ways, which for the record, I wouldn't dream of doing.
I thought these people had grown-up, changed, for the best, but it turns out that they are the same as the day I realised they were helping to rot away at me. And it's been good for me because, there I was thinking I haven't grown up at all over the last 4.5 years, and seeing them, I realised that I have.

I have seen a fair bit of my closest friends in recent weeks, and one has knowingly given me great advice, and another has completely un-knowingly opened my eyes.

At around 4:30 thismorning, sitting in an old couch at my favourite haunt, The Brisbane Hotel, at the ar*e end of it's 1st Birthday Bash, I realised, that I have finally out-grown the whole binge-drinking, late-nights-through-to-mornings, the stumbling up to the 24 hr take-away shop, the b*tching, the nastyness, the money wasting.

When I was young, my friends and I did it because it was a novelty, and we felt cool. When we were older, we did it because we were single and your friends are all you really have. But now, I have a man I love very much and I no longer enjoy being out on the town, going deaf to the old-school punk tones of my favourite local bands, when I could be snuggled up to him watching DVDs.

I'd rather spend $20 on DVDs and pizza, than $150 on cider, shots and fast food... oh and a taxi.

I have finally, as of thismorning, grown up a little bit. Just enough



It's 2:44am, and I was planning to go to sleep at midnight, but then I re-discovered an old fencing forums site I hadn't been on for 4 years, and then I retrieved my account info, which lead to forums, which lead to youtube links, which lead to random vids, and a whole series of this particular one, and here I am, at 2:46am, NOT ASLEEP.

And I guess I'm feeling a little sad because I have been reflecting on things at this late hour. Lately I've found myself in a few social situations surrounded by lovely ladies in lovely dresses looking awesome and I've just been dressed as myself which isn't anything special. And found some old photos of mates at school formals. And I feel bad. I'm honestly not one for dresses. I feel awkward in them, and uncomfortable. And it's no good saying I look nice or something, because I don't physically feel goodin dresses. They're not my thing. And these social occasions have seen me surrounded by gorgeous girls, all about my elbow/shoulder height, slimmer than me, wearing heels and these stunning dresses and I feel so shite around them. I feel like somehow I'm letting my man down by not being one of them. But I just can't do it. At the Brizzy, there were all there females dressed-up and I just don't have what it takes. I hate it.

I've never been one for dresses and only recently brave wearing skirty occasionally. I've always been one of the tom boys wearing my jeans and my t-shirts, my hoodies and sneakers.

In the last 12 months there was one time when I hadn't expected to be required to be extremely dressed-up, so I dressed-up the best I can: skirt, stockings, shirt and the girliest connies I have, but it was the equivellant to a pile of dirt near the crystal clusters of the other girls, and I did feel like dirt. And this is just playing on my mind. Probably because I'm tired, but more because I feel guilty for deliberately pulling away from being like that for 21 years, and now I wouldn't know how to be like that if I tried, and I'm letting down the man I should look like that for.

Come to think of it, I really hate it. I'm like this because my lifestyle is moshing. I felt so out of place until I reached college then left college and found that the place I fitted in was at gigs, up the front, elbowing and being elbowed, jumping around. And you can't wear heelf for that! Connies, though, are perfect. And hoodies, they're just more comfortable than cardigans. I actually went ONE day at college last year without a hody, and I discovered, through feeling the worst OCD in ages, that I not only wear hoodies because they're comfortable, but also because they're my version or a safety blanket. And that one day I was stuck at college without one, I felt horrible and awkward and exposed.

People get shitey about my dying my hair (expecially my mum) but the truth is, that bit of colour, if the girliest thing I know how to do without going outside my comfort zone. I can have nice purples and pinks and fluoro oranges in my hair and it looks nice, and I feel like it gives me a small, and rather lame excuse to not wear a dress.

Actually, I hadn't thought about it like that auntil I typed it. Wow.



I'm done. I need sleep.

Night/Morning.